I am struggling. Bad. I hate my job so much.
There are days that I just feel awful because I have been so blessed. I have been given so much, loved so much, so lucky and so protected. That doesnt make my job any better.
The thing that hurts the most is how it makes me feel about myself. Less than. Not good enough. Petty. Crazy. I think today I hear God saying that you can quit. I got your back (He always does) and leaving that toxic place is what I have planned for you. (I am sure that is the case, but I'm not sure he means today).
I want to have a movie moments where I just bounce. Tell my bosses that they can shove it! Run to my car and just figure out the rest. But I can't. I'm scared. I'm tethered but duty and my paycheck.
So I hate everything today. The economy. My college major. My parents for not letting me be more a dreamer or a free spirit. Myself. (In reality, I hate none of those things.) But today I am so tired of editing how I really feel. I just don't know what to do.
I used to have such a strong sense of self, but today - writing on company time, I can barely hear what my inner voice is saying. It is so clouded with other people's voices. More important than not hearing my voice. I don't know what God's voice is saying. Is the answer waiting? Sitting tight? Making a big move? I am so tired of spending the day at my desk thinking and dreaming about other options that I never pursue???
This is not the first post I wanted to put on my blog. It just kind of poured out of me. This person - is not really me. I am optimistic and sparkle. I am brave and faithful. I make things happen. But today I can't so I wait. Stay tuned.
