Swirling, Swirling

I remember the night that I was on the verge of tears about my life.  Oh wait, that was tonight. I’m not suicidal, I am not depressed but I am extremely unhappy. My job is killing me. I have tried so hard to put on a game face, work harder, and try different things but there is nothing good there, so I have to go. 

There are very few things holding me back from bouncing in there tomorrow and throwing up two fingers. I said two (deuces) and just trusting things would work out. Then I think about my medical bills, insurance, 'finding a job is easier when you have a job' and all of those things that keep you at a place that sucks your soul and holds you down. Serious, I think someone should do a study about work abuse, similar to domestic abuse when you don't have resources to leave. (Please give me a break for dramatic effect - I get that it is not the same thing.)

 My sister is so tired of me being an askhole. (defn: Someone who repeatedly asks you for advice, and then never takes it). She has been encouraging me to quit for weeks.

That’s what happens when you don’t have a significant other and you live with your sister. She takes the brunt of everything. God bless her. About the significant other thing, well…

I can’t fix all of my issues in one night.

This is all a culmination of not getting a call about a job I think I wanted, I was told I was going to be called either way. Today (yesterday, as it is 12:30) I got no calls – so frustrating! Watching too much West Wing on Netflix. Damn you Netflix. They are all so passionate and bright and amazing. They talk with convection and they left jobs they hated to work on something they were passionate about. I want to be the White House Press Correspondent!! Okay, okay too much The West Wing.

Should I quit??

Help.

This all is happening at the same time that I am apart of the START movement, based around John Acuff's book. I have a hard time even defining my dreams anymore. I think I want to be a blogger, but I am not sure. 

I have told both of my life coaches. Yes two. There is this swirling, around me - in my head, heart, externally. I have a feeling that I am so close for things coming together for me. Right now, they are all a tornado. Swirling, swirling. 

I guess eventually they will bang into each other, they have to right?? This was helpful. 

Good Night

Awesomer

I have been writing this blog for about 3 years, in my head. I am ready to put a handful of half written, un-edited blog posts together and make something.

I am always so crippled by fear, imperfection and success and I am so tired of living like that.

I don’t want this to become a dumping ground for negative thoughts or what I should have been or done or being doing. This is just going to be what I create. I am going by my new mantra. No Stress, Just Progress.

I am just going to move forward.

I really struggle with what my focus is. (all the blogging tips say that you have to have a specific focus) God, faith, interior design, cosmetics, weight loss, travel, 20-somethings, career trajectory. Life. I am just going to give myself some grace and PROGRESS.  I want to become awesomer.

Hearing what I want to hear

I am struggling. Bad. I hate my job so much.

There are days that I just feel awful because I have been so blessed. I have been given so much, loved so much, so lucky and so protected. That doesnt make my job any better.

The thing that hurts the most is how it makes me feel about myself. Less than. Not good enough. Petty. Crazy. I think today I hear God saying that you can quit. I got your back (He always does) and leaving that toxic place is what I have planned for you. (I am sure that is the case, but I'm not sure he means today).

 I want to have a movie moments where I just bounce. Tell my bosses that they can shove it! Run to my car and just figure out the rest. But I can't. I'm scared. I'm tethered but duty and my paycheck.

So I hate everything today. The economy. My college major. My parents for not letting me be more a dreamer or a free spirit. Myself. (In reality, I hate none of those things.) But today I am so tired of editing how I really feel. I just don't know what to do.

I used to have such a strong sense of self, but today - writing on company time, I can barely hear what my inner voice is saying. It is so clouded with other people's voices. More important than not hearing my voice. I don't know what God's voice is saying. Is the answer waiting? Sitting tight? Making a big move? I am so tired of spending the day at my desk thinking and dreaming about other options that I never pursue???

This is not the first post I wanted to put on my blog. It just kind of poured out of me. This person - is not really me. I am optimistic and sparkle. I am brave and faithful. I make things happen. But today I can't so I wait. Stay tuned.