Simple

Sometime I wish I was a simple person.  Someone who isn’t a worrier, who is perfectly content in where they are, right now.

Like this – who is this person!!

(link)

I talked with my life coach(es), yes there were two, about my fear of being lazy. I do think that I am lazy. I am a hardcore relaxer. I can go through an entire season of Netflix shows in a weekend. In my quest to get healthier I bought the fitbit. It’s amazing, except when I only take 2000 steps a day (on a quest to 10,000).

I have come to a point where I question if I am pulled in too many directions. I am NOT the kind of person who is afraid to say no but I am constantly seeking out new things to help me find my way. To help me feel fulfilled. Then I questions myself, aren’t I suppose to look to GOD for that? That brings on all the questions about I am doing enough to be closer to HIM?

These blogs really help me to calm the swirling. Exercise is helping too; my anxiety (self diagnosed) has quieted. I am happier at my soul sucking job. But my to do list is never ending, I always have a running tally of books to read, jobs to apply for, vlogs to edit, blogs to put together and actually post!

So to quiet the fear I answer it. I am enough. I am doing enough. I read, I volunteer, I get up early to work out. I go to work every single day. I need to really reward myself for my successes. Why is it so hard to see your own daily victories?

I have figured out nothing from this post BUT I was leaning toward skipping out a weekend at a friends cabin and I have decided I AM GOING. I am just going to leave my computer at home and read a non-self help book and breathe. I want to love on their new baby and ride on a boat and laugh. Yes, that might be just the solution.

Thanks – this was helpful. I always say that, because it always is.

Swirling, Swirling

I remember the night that I was on the verge of tears about my life.  Oh wait, that was tonight. I’m not suicidal, I am not depressed but I am extremely unhappy. My job is killing me. I have tried so hard to put on a game face, work harder, and try different things but there is nothing good there, so I have to go. 

There are very few things holding me back from bouncing in there tomorrow and throwing up two fingers. I said two (deuces) and just trusting things would work out. Then I think about my medical bills, insurance, 'finding a job is easier when you have a job' and all of those things that keep you at a place that sucks your soul and holds you down. Serious, I think someone should do a study about work abuse, similar to domestic abuse when you don't have resources to leave. (Please give me a break for dramatic effect - I get that it is not the same thing.)

 My sister is so tired of me being an askhole. (defn: Someone who repeatedly asks you for advice, and then never takes it). She has been encouraging me to quit for weeks.

That’s what happens when you don’t have a significant other and you live with your sister. She takes the brunt of everything. God bless her. About the significant other thing, well…

I can’t fix all of my issues in one night.

This is all a culmination of not getting a call about a job I think I wanted, I was told I was going to be called either way. Today (yesterday, as it is 12:30) I got no calls – so frustrating! Watching too much West Wing on Netflix. Damn you Netflix. They are all so passionate and bright and amazing. They talk with convection and they left jobs they hated to work on something they were passionate about. I want to be the White House Press Correspondent!! Okay, okay too much The West Wing.

Should I quit??

Help.

This all is happening at the same time that I am apart of the START movement, based around John Acuff's book. I have a hard time even defining my dreams anymore. I think I want to be a blogger, but I am not sure. 

I have told both of my life coaches. Yes two. There is this swirling, around me - in my head, heart, externally. I have a feeling that I am so close for things coming together for me. Right now, they are all a tornado. Swirling, swirling. 

I guess eventually they will bang into each other, they have to right?? This was helpful. 

Good Night